I know, I know, I know, I KNOW. This whole “list of vampires that are better than Edward” has been done quite possibly hundreds of times before. However, I wanted to try something a bit different with it…at least I hope it’s different. This is a list of different vampires who can pull something specific to each of their characters off that Edward Cullen has, but they do better, and how they do it better. These aren’t all popular vampires, and I apologize in advance for my severe lack of Buffy knowledge. I have never actually had the real opportunity to watch that show, even though I really should. Maybe I’ll start watching it. After I finish Cowboy Bebop.
I should also warn you that ahead there lie spoilers. Ye been warned.
Well, without further ado…
Battle Number 1: Emotional Depth
Vladimir Tod vs. Edward Cullen
All right, I may be cheating a bit, considering that Vlad IS technically only a half-vampire. But he still has vampire blood in his veins, so he counts.
This is a big one, especially for a protagonist who’s a teenage boy. Well…sort of, for Edward. Stuck as a teenage boy. Teenagers in young adult novels, and most fiction, tend to be very generalized. Few problems, overly emotional (and seem to exploit every minute out of it), everything plays out well in the end. For Edward, this is exactly what happens. This isn’t how a teenager’s life is. For young Vlad? Not so much, especially since he’s a much more obvious vampire. By the end of the series, he’s suffered extreme school bullying, the loss of his parents, had to face the fact that his teacher, whom he had accused of trying to divulge his secret to the school was actually a vampire himself, and his uncle, the discovery that his dad was alive the whole time, but ended up being a scumbag who used him in the end, and the death of the woman who took him in when his parents died. People often criticize Vlad’s character as being too emotional for a teenage boy. That, to me, implies that teenagers don’t have emotions. Not real ones, at least, or ones worth examining. That is absolutely not true. Imagine if you lost your parents when you were ten. Maybe you did. People don’t tend to get over that that easily.
Vlad is also wise beyond his years–arguably wiser than Edward, who’s exactly one hundred years older than him by the end of the Vladimir Tod series. Yeah, he still goofs off at times and does some really stupid things. But he’s still a kid, and proves that he can be flawed and still likeable, and doesn’t do anything too horrible. Edward is flawed, but unintentionally. Over time, he becomes (arguably) abusive towards Bella, as many other blogs will pick apart. I do not own the Twilight books anymore (nice extra twenty-five dollars in my pocket courtesy of eBay), so I cannot go into an in-depth argument about this. Vlad, meanwhile, respects the two female love interests he has over the course of the book for the most part. He doesn’t go peeking into their windows at night, sabotaging their cars, or creepily staring at them. The worst he’s probably done intentionally is make his eventual girlfriend Snow his drudge (or, his main source of blood and technical vampire slave–which is somewhat necessary, since he otherwise would start attacking other people as he matures), which he eventually releases her from after feeling guilty of doing this.
Battle #2: Tragic Past/Story in General
Barnabas Collins vs. Cullen
I will confess, I’ve only watched the Tim Burton Dark Shadows movie. Which I loved. Yeah, yeah, I’m ready for you guys to go all “Crucify her! Crucify her!” on me. It was goofy, but good. I still need to watch the TV show. Maybe I’ll do that before Buffy. But I digress.
How much tragedy has Edward experiened in his life? Yes, he lost his parents to an illness that he otherwise would have succumbed to had his adoptive Carlisle not changed him to a vampire. Barnabas, meanwhile, was betrayed by his lover, forced into vampirism and buried alive for 175 years. After being uncovered, he still has lady-related problems, the woman who transformed him is still alive and kicking, and he has become rather socially awkward due to being buried in time. Edward’s had time to adjust, has for the most part, and he’s still, arguably, very creepy, with little excuse to be this.
Battle #3: Capability of Actually Doing Stuff
Prince LaCroix vs. Cullen
I’m not gonna lie, his facial expression here is the exact look I get in real life when I’m genuinely annoyed.
Yeah, Sebastian LaCroix from Vampire: the Masquerade-Bloodlines is kind of an asshole, but even he’s a more competent vampire than Edward.
Edward’s family is remarkably rich. Carlisle is a doctor, which brings in a good amount of money and Esme….is a housewife. …Nah, enough rants’ve been done about this before. However, Carlisle is not the vampire we’re discussing. What’s Edward doing? Going to public high school. Again. Despite already having been educated. What did he do before that? It’s never really explained.
Now, look at LaCroix. He’s only about three years older (physically) than Edward. Even before he was turned into a vampire, he fought in Waterloo, progressively ascending in the ranks. During the events of the game, he is a part of the elite vampire clan (Ventrue), he owns a corporation–not sure what exactly it’s for, but it’s a corporation–commands the vampire population in LA, and can dominate others into doing what he needs them to do WITHOUT using sex appeal–mostly due to it, similar to the case of any Anne Rice vampire, being unnecessary. I also dread the prospect of what his fangirls would do if he DID attempt to use the (subtle?) sex appeal Edward uses.
…Not that there’s a problem with that…we all have our…fandom obsessions…(shifty eyes)
Eheheheheheheh…eh, to be quite honest, until about a week ago, I never got the whole vampire attraction thing. Now I do, thanks to this pixelated jerk. >Proudly wears three-year-old I Kissed a Vampire and I Liked It t-shirt<
Edward, meanwhile, does this on several occasions, simply by looking at ladies in a weird way–if I’m not mistaken, to a waitress right after rescuing Bella from being raped. And yet LaCroix is STILL considered a young, inexperienced vampire…and he’s almost a century OLDER than Edward. Now what has Edward accomplished? He seduced a teenage girl, married her fresh out of high school, and had a daughter. …Not that great in comparison, even if there is a one hundred year difference. You could’ve at least figured out that you can’t have an island off the coast of Brazil. I mean…that’s fifth grade, at the latest.
Battle #4: Amount of Culture
Lestat vs. Cullen
Anyone who’s read the Vampire Chronicles knows that Lestat is a man of culture. He loves pretty much anything from any time period that he’s lived through, spending the first few pages of the Vampire Lestat just passionately describing how much he ADORES the homage that modern musicians pay to that which he’s familiar with, with their Egyptian jewelery and strangely harmonic electric guitars. Edward’s cultured, too, but hasn’t been around QUITE as long as Lestat. He knows a good amount, but not as much. Not really his fault. He can speak Portuguese, has traveled a bit, and can play piano. Lestat can speak French, plays the piano AND violin, and is in his own rock band. This is a guy who grew up in 18th century France. If that’s not cultured, at least that’s adaptive.
Battle #5: Care for Loved Ones
Silas (from the Graveyard Book) vs. Cullen
Apparently Silas from the Graveyard Book is a vampire. I kind of forgot that after reading it. Oh well, he counts!
In the Graveyard Book, we see a good amount of the boy Bod’s parents and their methods. However, he usually will go to Silas whenever there’s a problem in his life, who gives him pretty much the same advice, if worded differently to suit Bod. He’s not a lax guardian–he will tell Bod exactly what he should do in his situatin. He is not always there for him, going on a temporary leave to take care of business, leaving the werewolf Ms. Lupescu to look after him, giving Bod the sense of independence that he ends up needing when he sets out on his own at sixteen, when he cannot see the ghosts in the graveyard any longer. Edward lets his wife’s ex-sort-of-boyfriend imprint on his daughter so that he can be her love interest when she is fully grown. At age seven.
I think it’s GIF time.
Battle #6: Capability of Being a Mentor
Larten Crepsley vs. Cullen
This is kind of cheating, too, since this is pretty much the same reason as Silas, but it’s also slightly different. I haven’t even finished this series yet and I think this guy’s a better mentor than Edward. After reluctantly transforming the main character Darren into a half-vampire, he remains a steadfast mentor, teaching him the ways of the vampire world, a world that they have no choice but to deal with. Edward and his family try to escape this world. And why? So they don’t have to kill people for their blood. Crepsley, meanwhile, tells Darren that vampires do not necessarily NEED to kill anyone for blood. It’s actually more beneficial if they don’t. Oh, and he actually makes certain that Darren remains responsible for his actions. Something Edward NEVER teaches his daughter Renesmee. Now that I think about it, do they ever even bond in Breaking Dawn?
Side note: when I started reading the first book, I finished almost all of it during my study hall period. Almost. When the bell rang, I was SHAKING, I needed to know what was going to happen. I was quite literally going through Cirque du Freak Withdrawal.
Battle #7: Ability to Keep Audiences Entertained
The Count from Sesame Street vs. Cullen
Hey, he counts! (Seriously, no pun intended. I’m actually kind of kicking myself for that one.)
Edward is usually used either as the butt of the joke or the sex object of teenage girls and twi-moms alike. Not really a big picture. The Count, meanwhile, is capable of entertaining pretty much everyone in the world. Do not tell me you don’t smile a bit when he goes: “One thingy! AH AH AH!! Two thingy! AH AH AH!!”
Which begs the question: is the Count an active vampire? Is vampirism encouraged in Sesame Street? His skin’s pretty purple–that implies a LOT of blood. Where’s the blood coming from? Blood bags, like Vlad Tod? Or from the source? Who is the source? Is there an entire clan of vampires in Sesame Street? Do they KILL the sources? Have I destroyed your childhood just yet? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
Battle #8: Bad Acting
Dr. Richter Harris (D) vs. Cullen
This was quite literally the only picture that I could find of this character on Google.
Also, you probably don’t know who this character is. Long story short, there was a fun if somewhat bad FMV game released in the mid-90s called D (guess what it stands fo–TOOLATE: DRACULA) about a twenty-something’s father who goes crazy, killing people at the local hospital and somehow transforming it into a creepy mansion full of puzzles and 90s graphics nostalgia. That’s pretty much the plot. Anyway, throughout the game, the guy keeps popping up going “LORRA. LAUUURA. LORRA. IT’S YOOR FATHOR. TURN BACK, LORRA. WE ARE DRACULA.” And if you read that in a slow-motion voice, I did it right.
And I kid you not, this is probably the only existing vampire whose acting is worse than Edward’s. Besides maybe the characters in Queen of the Damned. Still haven’t seen that allegedly God-awful movie yet. Also, anyone think he looks like a middle aged LaCroix? Probably just a coincidence.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled nonsense. (Quote stolen from Brentalfloss.)
Battle # 9:
Just Plain Awesomeness Making a Vampire Iconic
Count Dracula vs. Cullen
I’m not necessarily cheating here. Dracula ISN’T the only iconic vampire around. Count Orlock, anyone? The Count from Sesame Street? Grandpa from the Munsters? However, he was the first iconic vampire, and has set the typical criteria to be considered a vampire. Set the basic rules. Allergy to the sun? Check. Severe aversion to garlic? Check. Can transform into animals (bats in his case)? Check. Loves human blood? Check. You get the idea. Basic vampiric criteria. Let’s take (whoops, almost wrote ‘stake’) a look at Edward.
Allergy to the sun? Well, he sparkles, and that’s a bit distracting, but not really. Garlic allergy? Nope. Transfiguration? Nope. He can run really fast so it’s like he’s flying, but that barely counts. Loves human blood? Tries to avoid it, sticking only to animals. Don’t get me wrong, you can take artistic license with a vampire. But when it’s to the point that YOU (that’s right, the person who’s currently reading this) could be mistaken as a vampire just by wearing sparkly body lotion, taking a few years in track, and eating a lot of rare meat, there’s a wee bit of a problem.
Bram Stoker’s original Dracula, or Bela Lugosi’s, if you’re going by film, is a timeless image of a vampire. Edward will last, most likely, only in the eyes of pop culture for another ten years or so. He may pop up every once in a while after that, but the classic Dracula will keep invading more often, anyway.
Well, there ya have it. Nine ways that Edward Cullen is not as good a vampire as nine others. I realize I did not include a lot of iconic vampires that could have been on this list. My apologies, once again, for this, I still have much to learn. Thank you for reading. Good evening.